many tools useful to sustaining your marriage, there is one tool you must have
in your toolbox if you are going to be successful in your marriage: commitment.
Of course, love, trust, compassion and grace are critical as well, but
commitment is mandatory for a loving relationship.
Why do I place such
importance on commitment?
The story of Jake and Lisa
will illustrate the importance. I’ll let Jake tell his own story.
“Coming to The Marriage Recovery Center to work on my marriage was an
important step, but not the most critical one. Certainly, taking time off, the
travel, the preparation, the cost were all important factors. But the most
important one happened in the middle of the second day.”
He paused and
reflected.
“When Lisa confronted me with some stuff I didn’t want to
hear, that was a turning point. Was she right and did I need to change? Was I
going to be in this with her or turn away from her, rejecting what she had to
say? If I pushed away, our marriage would be over at some point. I could embrace
what she was telling me and see that she was for me and our marriage, or would I
let pride stand in the way? Pride would leave me completely alone, still stuck
in all the negative traits that I needed to work on. I chose to commit myself to
her and work on our marriage together.”
I knew that every couple coming
to see me had to make a similar decision — to protect themselves or risk being
vulnerable and open themselves up to change. To choose to be in the process
together, to grow together, to heal together.
While I was happy that
Jake took the path of humility, I’m also reminded of the couples who have let
pride get in the way. I’m reminded of the man who left a Marriage Intensive
prematurely because he had his feathers ruffled. His path led to a lack of
commitment and ultimate divorce. Did he win? Of course not.
There comes
a time for all of us when we must choose to serve ourselves, (our shallow self)
or serve others (for their best and ultimately our best as well.) This is
usually a series of moments when we step back and decide if we are truly
committed to the welfare of our marriage. If so, we will sacrifice momentary
pleasures and self-protection for ultimate connection and commitment.
“We’re in this together and we will figure this out,” is the motto of
couples who are dedicated to their marriage. No issue is too large to overcome.
No trouble will divide us. No problem is too great to separate us for any length
of time.
Here are some additional things to consider:
First,
making a commitment to our mate establishes our mindset.
being an overcomer or one who succumbs to adversity, your attitude determines
how you will fare when trouble arises. Scripture tells us that we will face
adversity, but it can make us stronger and connect us to one another.
Second, a mindset of commitment sets us on a path of healing and
connection.
or one of disconnection and conflict. Being connected on an agreed upon problem
is powerful and enlivening. We gain strength and encouragement from each other.
We can choose which path we will take. Choose wisely.
Third, working
together helps us overcome any obstacle.
obstacle, but binds us to each other. We are, quite literally, in this together
and determined to find solutions. This is not only empowering but gives added
impetus to solving the problem. We are made to work together and find strength
from one another.
Fourth, growing through adversity creates connection
and intimacy.
is powerful at binding us to each other. Ask anyone who has faced combat how
important reliance on one another is to feeling safe and empowered. Consider the
strength that comes from knowing you have someone looking out for you as you
face a common problem. While you may be tempted to see your mate as the enemy,
the one who not only will not protect you but the one causing your distress,
choose to work together instead. Agree together on the shared goal, the shared
path and the shared tasks for getting there.
Finally, trusting God,
and each other, in adversity cultivates confidence for later issues.
you and wants you to be well is your ultimate source of strength. Consider His
promises of protection when feeling discouraged and vulnerable.
The
prophet Amos says these words: “Can two people walk together without agreeing on
the direction?” (Amos 3:3)
[written by Dr. David B. Hawkins]
