day at a job I’ve been at for six years. I never expected resigning from a job
would be so tough on my heart. I anticipated my staff to be upset. I knew I’d
feel sad to leave.
In the midst of all this there were moments of
rejoicing about the future job I’ve chosen.
home in Italy for a large portion of next year.
It’s a new start for my
husband and I after two long years of blood tests and chemo and doctors.
Yet, in all the excitement it’s the mean words that have stayed with me.
I didn’t expect to hear nasty things spoken about me. Whispers of
untruths that even though I know are not true, hurt so badly I found my husband
in the middle of a workday just for a hug.
It is the lies that have
pierced my heart that have made me want to run away, and protect myself from
hurt.
I’ve been reading Mary DeMuth’s new book The Wall Around Your
Heart off and on since before I resigned. Right from the first time I read the
title I knew this was a book for me. I battle to trust, and when I do, the first
sign of hurt sees me retreat, protect myself and build a wall. A book that
speaks about how to live with an open heart spoke to the person I want to be.
Yesterday as I read her book a passage of scripture stood out for me
from 2 Kings 19. It’s a prayer that Hezekiah prays after he receives a horrible
attack on his character and Israel prior to a possible invasion.
Hezekiah doesn’t speak badly about the person who attacked him. Or run
to his friend and tell them how nasty that person is being. All things, I’m
ashamed to say, I’ve done in this situation.
Instead Hezekiah goes to
God and prays. Oh, how he prays:
God, God of Israel, seated in majesty on
the cherubim-throne. You are the one and only God, sovereign over all kingdoms
on earth, Maker of heaven, maker of earth. Open your ears, God, and listen, open
your eyes and look. Look at this letter Sennacherib has sent, a brazen insult to
the living God!
…But now O God, our God, save us from raw Assyrian
power; Make all the kingdoms on earth know that you are God, the one and only
God. 2 Kings 15-17, 19 (MSG)
His prayer is full of cues
about how big God is in the situation.
I love what Mary deMuth says about
these verses, “Hezekiah remembered who God was and reminded himself of who he
needed to be in the situation.”
I wonder if Hezekiah focuses so much on
the glory of God in his prayer, because he needed the courage to believe that
God could be trusted, not only to resolve the situation, but also heal his hurt
heart.
As I read this prayer I realised that I’ve failed to take my hurt
heart to God.
I’ve made the hurt bigger than God, and allowed fear and
anger to shield my heart, instead of letting God fight for my heart.
As
I leave today I’m praying about the situation.
I’m praying that my big
God will fight for me. And I’m asking him to heal my hurting heart and help me
to live without walls even as I learn that trusting God is the only way to learn
to live with an open heart.
[written by Wendy van Eyck]
