“If only” are two
of the deadliest words in a Christian’s vocabulary. If only I looked like her.
If only I had as much money as him. If only my kids were as well-behaved as
theirs. If only I could speak, work, cook, travel, think, do, be like someone
else.
intellects, in an ever-increasing desire for complete satisfaction. We want to
be attractive, successful, and happy. So we measure ourselves against the people
around us. But instead of resulting in contentment, our comparison delivers
compulsive jealousy, pride, and shame.
We envy those who are “better”
than us, and we look down on those who are “worse” than us. And once we’ve
started comparing ourselves, we slide into a bitterly insatiable cycle. The more
we compare ourselves, the more we need to compare ourselves. It’s an addiction.
We’re on a quest for acceptance and joy, but are paralyzed by the pressure to
look, do, and be better than the people around us.
Because of this, we
are distracted from our purpose, mission, and need to pursue holiness. This is
why comparison is so deadly.
But comparison isn’t just unhealthy
for Christians; it’s downright antithetical to the faith we profess. The gospel
is a message of radical acceptance—but it starts with recognizing we are not
okay. We’re not beautiful, worthy, successful, perfect, or better than anyone
else. We’re all sinners, every one of us. But in Christ, God has accepted us. He
cleansed us, clothed us, saved us, changed us, loved us, adopted us—and he
fulfills us.
As Tim Keller famously said,
The gospel is the good news of gracious
acceptance…Christians who trust in Christ for their acceptance with God, rather
than in their own moral character, commitment, or performance, are simul iustus
et peccator – simultaneously sinful yet accepted. We are more flawed and sinful
than we ever dared believe, yet we are more loved and accepted than we ever
dared hope at the same time.
The God of the universe has
accepted us! Why would we try to find our value in being better than another
human? I believe the search for acceptance is ultimately at the root of our
comparison. We want to be better than others so we can be loved more. We think,
“If I was prettier, smarter, wealthier, a better parent, spouse, employee, I
would be loved.”
But we have been accepted, and nothing we do can change
that. Yet comparison rejects the humble glory of the gospel and says, “No,
that’s untrue. I need to work harder.”
Seven Habits to Help You Fight
Comparison
So how do we get out of this self-destructive trap? How do we
break the cycle? Ultimately, we embrace our identity as children of God, wholly
accepted and loved. But how do we get to that place?
First, we have to
recognize that it’s not an overnight cure or a magical mental shift. Instead,
change comes from intentionally cultivating holy habits that fight the lure of
comparison.
Here are seven of these holy habits to pursue:
Get in God’s Word and marinate your
mind in gospel-truth. Read and reflect on and apply what you read. Get your
strength and sustenance for each day from this living, active book.
Start intentionally
looking for what triggers your comparison. Are there regular rhythms or moments
when you struggle with it? Identify them, notice them, and repent of them.
Recognize comparison for the sin it is, and run from it.
Listen to the people
who are not marked by insecurity, comparison, and envy. Take counsel from the
humble. Surround yourself with those who are generous and big-hearted and who
love others deeply.
As I’ve struggled
with my tendency to compare myself to others, two books (after the Word of God)
have hugely helped me. The first is New Morning Mercies, a daily gospel
devotional by Paul Tripp, and the second is The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by
Tim Keller. Both of these books recognize that we humans have a self-focus
problem and seek to re-orient our perspectives by giving us practical (and kind)
help in pursuing humility.
Instead of using people as
measuring sticks against yourself, take steps to treat them as image-bearing
individuals. Serve them. Pray for them. Do good to them. Encourage them. Give to
them. Sacrifice for them. And see your attitude toward them
change.
We compare ourselves because we are
discontent. Fight comparison by nurturing daily thankfulness. Start noticing
small mercies. Include specific times of gratitude in your prayer time. Pay
attention to all the ways God is showing his grace to you.
In other words,
preach the gospel of acceptance in Christ to yourself. You are fully known and
fully loved by your Creator God, and nothing can change that. As you seek to
combat comparison, rejoice in the gospel. This is the only thing that has the
power to break the chains of jealousy, pride, shame, and self-focus, and free us
to live satisfied, content, and happy in Jesus.
[written by Jaquelle
Crowe]
